Michael Eriksson
A Swede in Germany
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A vicious circle of diminishing sex

A very interesting post on the subject of lack of sex in a marriage is http://www.womens-health.com/boards/47975-post14.htmle which tries to provide a female perspective to a man’s complaint about a dwindling sex life. A partial quote:

But, all i can say is when i was married, i also was OK with once a month, but, big but, only because it felt like sex... plain, sex... He wanted it, got it, rolled over, or left the room after, sex... no intimacy, including kissing, that’s right, kissing, simple things.

So, i couldn’t be bothered.

Sure, as far as "sex" went, when we did, at least i had some but it didn’t please me to want it because i knew it was only going to be sex.


My opinion as a woman....

With a sex drive.............

That didn’t get it herself from her man.

I can, obviously, make no statements whatsoever about this particular relationship; however, I can very easily see how this (highly understandable) feeling in a woman can lead to a vicious circle when combined with the (equally understandable) feelings of a typical man.

Consider that if a man has “gone without” for a long time:

  1. He will typically be in more of a hurry to get to orgasm than otherwise. (Notably, not necessarily by choice: This is just the way the act naturally plays out. Female readers: Bear in mind that what most men want out of sex is penetration and orgasm, not foreplay and “connecting”. His mind will not be on “Finally, I get to be intimate again!”, but on “Finally, I get to be in her again!”.)

  2. The long dry spell will make him feel unsexy, unwanted and unappreciated—just as a woman would feel.

  3. It is highly unlikely that he will feel a wish to make it “good for her”. If anything, the feeling that “If she so obviously does not care for my sexual needs, why should I care for hers?” is likely to prevail—again, a very similar feeling to that of a woman, but with the critical difference that a man needs to put in much more effort to satisfy a woman than a woman to satisfy a man.

(If the dry spell is not within a relationship, the items have to be correspondingly modified; as they will if the dry spell was caused by e.g. a longer business trip.)

Now, consider what can (in a worse case scenario) happen when a week without sex has passed, say because she has not been in the mood due to a fight or a stressful time at work: He jumps at the opportunity, gets himself off (per the items above), and goes to sleep. She is annoyed and disappointed, sees no point in sex (as per the post above), and declines sex for another week. The next time around, the same thing happens, except that he is in an even greater hurry and she now declines sex for two weeks, being convinced that it really is not worth the trouble. And so on...

The end result: Two people who both want more sex and both could get it—but together sabotage their chances.

(The same thing can happen with the sexes reversed; however, the effect is likely to be less strong.)

In a contrasting scenario, assume that the disappointed woman realizes the situation of the man, writes it off as a one time thing—and deliberately approaches him on the very next day for another attempt: Chances are that sex would be back to normal, that she would be satisfied, and that their sex life would remain as before the dry spell.

Obviously, the man could also break or prevent the vicious circle by over-coming himself during the act itself. However, this simply takes more self-control and may even be something that is impossible “in the heat of the moment”.

I stress that this is just one of the possible explanations for the many sexually unsatisfied couples out there; in particular, I do not in anyway deny the existence of men who simply are sexually lazy or egotistical, women who have mental hang-ups, or of couples with naturally differing sex-drives.

Note: Similar vicious circles can be found in very many areas of human relationships (be they romantic or of an other kind): One party withholds something (or fails to engage further or take a certain action) incorrectly believing in or fearing a negative reception from the other party—causing the other party to have a negative reaction (or not having a positive reaction), which worsens (or fails to improve) the relationship, which, in turn, strengthens the believe/fear of the first party, ...