Michael Eriksson
A Swede in Germany
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Various recurring issues in forums

The following is a list of some recurring issues with female posters in relationship forums:

  1. Women being told to dump whomever they are dating with the motivation that his behaviour shows that he only wants sex. This recommendation is flawed in at least two ways (which is not to say that it is always wrong): Firstly, it pre-supposes that the women themselves cannot benefit from a sex-based relationship—which is an over-generalization at best. Even if a woman is actively looking for a “deep and meaningful” relationship, it does not automatically follow that she should avoid e.g. a FWB situation until she has found someone suitable. Secondly, it overlooks the possibility of something eventually growing out of the sex-based relationship. Speaking for myself, wise from experience, I take things very casually, have no expectations of something deeper, and just see where things go—that my original interest might be “just sex” does not mean that I rule out a continuation on a deeper level (although I admit that this has so far not happened). Notably, in my earlier years, when I assumed that all relationships should be “deep and meaningful”, I had fiasco after fiasco.

  2. More generally, many (usually female) posters recommend other women to dump their boy-friends based on a one-sided, twenty-lines long account of a relationship, without making any kind of reservations, without considering that the truth may be different or that they may be over-interpreting, without asking for pertinent details, ... On several occasions, I have seen such statements made after a female OP finds porn on her boy-friends computer (!), typically with statements like “The only naked pictures he should have should be of you.”—ignoring the facts that porn is one of the most common interests among men, that many women are also into porn (and, I suspect, the majority of those who are not either have not tried or to stuck on feminist propaganda and/or “moral majority” values), and that a one-sided porn embargo is a violation of the boy-friend’s rights. To expand on the last issue: Consider the equivalent, a man trying to forbid his girl-friend from reading romance novels. Oh, what outrage there would be among women...

  3. Women spouting misandristic statements or making statements that go against equality of the sexes (to the disadvantage of men)—just to pounce on objectively true or just slightly off statements from men as misogynistic. Phrasings like “Just what we need: Another woman-hater!” have come to my attention on a number of occasions—all on forums with a noticeable disparity in objectivity in favour of women...

    In effect, on these forums it is acceptable to say e.g. “Men are bastards!”, but not e.g. “I think it is unfair that we men have to pay for dates.”.

  4. Women abstaining from sex because sex/virginity is “a special gift, only to be given to a special man”. This reasoning will lead to a net loss for all involved parties. Notably, this gift will be a lot less special to most men than the women concerned seem to think—a truly valuable gift, in contrast, would be helping a frustrated nineteen y.o. get rid of his virginity... Further, this “gift” is a one-time thing; whereas the disadvantages from lack of experience can have a negative effect on sex through-out the relationship. Given the choice, I and (I suspect) most other men, would prefer the more experienced woman, even if she does not bring any gift at all—if she compensates with an expensive watch, in lieu of her virginity, it is an absolute no-brainer... (Obviously, other reasons for abstaining may still be valid.)

  5. Generally, women (both on the forums and in my real-life experiences) tend to be very hypocritical, down-play their own errors (or appear entirely ignorant of them), over-play those in others, attack a behaviour in someone else that they themselves display, take things out of context, put the blame for every fight on the other party, ... God knows, I am far from perfect; but the twisted way so many women think, and the lack of self-perspective and objectivity they show, is simply not acceptable in someone who claims to be an adult. (Leading us to one their greatest hypocrisies: The claim that women are more mature than men.)


    A good rule of thumb for forums is to take a particular post, exchange the roles of men and women in that post, and see how the situation now looks. It is very common for men and women to receive opposite treatments in equivalent situations. Consider e.g. “My SO does not want to give me head.”: A male poster will likely get an answer along the lines that he “must respect her decision”; a female will likely be told that “He is selfish and lazy. Dump him for someone better.”.

  6. The almost absurd over-use of “lol”, “haha”, and similar, in posts by women pose an interesting hint to how they can tend to misinterpret texts: If they feel the need to add such modifiers to their own texts, they may fear that these would otherwise be misinterpreted, which in turn makes it likely they themselves would be at risk of misinterpreting more businesslike texts.

    However, I do not believe this to be the only reason for their odd writing style. In particular, a wish to communicate mood and feelings, or a wish to “be cute” are likely to be relevant.


    Personally, I consider the use of “lol” (“Laughing Out Loud”) in lieu of “:-)” (“I am smiling.”) to be annoying; in particular, when the text is riddled with them. (If someone actually is laughing out loud, then using it is in order; if not, then not.) This goes to ridiculous extremes: I occasionally (but very rarely) see non-humorous posts of, say, ten sentences containing some twenty “lol”s...

  7. When the topic “Who should pay for a date?” comes up, many women give lip service to the sound principle “Whoever does the inviting should pay.”; however, at the same time, these women are typically of the opinion “It is the man’s job to ask me out.”—effectively necessitating that the man pays anyway.

Note: There are great variations from forum to forum; in particular, the presence of just one or two “post-on-every-thread” misandrists can make a world of difference for the overall tone.

General disclaimer on forums: Forums need not give sufficient material to generalize. Whereas the raw data available is enormous, it is also potentially skewed. Locking specifically at relationship forums, it is note-worthy that people who have had bad experiences may be more likely than others to join discussions, that people without Internet access or with low literacy (or a low typing speed) are less likely to participate, that what is true in one language group need not be true in an other, and that different boards can interest different groups of people (cf. e.g. “Men’s Health” vs. “Cosmo”, or a seduction community like http://www.theattractionforums.come vs. a general interest community like http://www.loveshack.come. (Nevertheless, considering the great recurrence of many themes on the boards, in my personal experiences, in anecdotal evidence from real-life discussions, and in relationship literature of various kinds, I am reasonably confident about most statements I make—where I am hesitant is usually only in the degree of generalization, e.g. some vs. many, many vs. most, most vs. almost all).